Pain

Posted By: Adam 3 Comments

It was a Thursday. Actually, it probably wasn't but I can't remember and you won't know the difference.

I had picked up a pizza from our favorite pizza joint, and we were catching up on back episodes of Heroes while we ate. Dylan woke up early from his nap, and the longer we made him wait he was getting more and more upset. He was hungry!

Megan needed another few minutes to finish her dinner, so I brought Dylan downstairs to sit with us, propped up in the Boppy, facing the back of the couch — because he has a tendancy to look to his right, and that's where we were. Maybe seeing us would calm him down. This wasn't enough. Still upset. Still hungry.

I gave him my fingertip to suck on, hoping it would soothe him while Megan finished her last few bites of pizza. Then I realized I had my left arm crossed over my right, index finger in his mouth; and pizza in my right hand. And I was hungry too!

Very carefully I tried to lift my left arm up without stealing my finger away, just enough to sneak my pizza through. Success! … Wah! Wah!

Looking over at Dylan, I immediately realized that in the process of freeing my pizza hand I had inadvertantly pushed my finger back too far in his mouth and triggered his gag reflex, making him tremendously unhappy.

Or to put it another way: For the first time, I had caused my son pain.

And that realization hurt.

I'm sure it's not the last time in his life I'll hurt him in one way or another, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I'm sure there will be lots and lots of good feelings — hopefully way more than bad feelings — but that doesn't make me feel any better. I know that Dylan won't remember it (I will!), but that doesn't make me feel any better. Until that Thursday, I had a perfect record. I was batting 1,000. Undefeated. Superdad.

Heck, I hadn't even gotten any spit-up on my clothes by that point. I have since, though.

And now my perfect record is marred. And it will be again, one day.

I know that the bad things help give us an appreciation for the good, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

3 responses to “Pain”

  1. I know your pain (honestly). :( The good news is this will become a distant memory mushed in behind all the *good* memories and will only be thought about when you go looking for it, before too long.

    And cut yourself a break. You didnt hurt him, really, in the grand scheme of things. You scared yourself and you startled him. He is fine :) You will be fine, too! I know it doesnt feel like it now, but it is true just the same.

    GrammaT

    GrammaT ~ Dec 28, 2008 at 3:00 PM

  2. Cora was dropped (not by me, some OTHER parent) from her car seat and fell face-first onto a hard floor from about 2 feet up... when she was 3 months old or so. At the ER, the doctor told us that babies are made to bounce. They are resilient. BUT, had it been me that dropped her, I'm not sure how long it would take me to get over it. :0p

    Ed

    Ed ~ Dec 28, 2008 at 9:09 PM

  3. At the risk of making light of your serious moment - what is it with you and your fingers? As a child, you tried to stab my brain with your finger, using my nostril as an entry way. You didn't make it to the brain but, apparantly wishing to be like Little Jack Horner, you went digging for a plum.

    But I do know how you feel. I know from experience (and not from having it explained to me) that letting you sit in a wet diaper for too long results in a rash. Trying to get through that with ointments and cremes didn't stop you from crying and making me feel like a bad dad.

    We've all felt this way, and it's just one more lesson in life's path. Welcome to parenting!

    GranDad

    GranDad ~ Dec 28, 2008 at 9:51 PM

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