How do I know what's appropriate?

Posted By: Adam 12 Comments

So I was catching up on blogs while I ate my lunch yesterday, one of which was Greeblemonkey. In that post, she makes an offhand comment that "she promises" that her son hasn't watched Dr. Horrible. That one sentence sent my mind spinning. I can sum it up in one question — the title of this post — but of course there's more to it than that.

I think that, right now, I am incapable of drawing a line of what is or is not acceptable for Dylan to watch. Right now, about the only TV he sees is a few minutes of the occasional Phillies game that I watch, or parts of the morning news. In general, we just don't put him in front of the tv yet. Our time with him is a little limited (mine more than Megans, due to my longer commute), so we try not to turn the TV on in the evening until he's gone to bed, which is a guideline we put in place so that we get as much play time with him as possible. I know, that sounds restrictive (and possibly dumb!) to you but it works pretty well for us. :)

Anyway, this all made me remember a situation about 7 years ago. A coworker asked me if it would be safe to take her young (maybe 10 year old?) daughter to see the movie Spider Man, and I told her it was fine. She all but physically beat me on the following Monday. For whatever reason, I guess that movie isn't appropriate for children under 10? It's rated PG-13 for "Stylized violence and action," whatever that is.

There is some … "choice language" … in Dr. Horrible, and a girl dies, so a certain maturity level, and the ability to tell the difference between fantasy/fiction from reality is definitely required. But how do you know if your kid can tell fantasy and reality apart without exposing him to some fantasy material in the first place? I guess just all happy-go-lucky fantasy material? (Do I enjoy any happy-go-lucky fantasy stuff? I have no idea! Even Harry Potter is a little dark now and then…)

I know that after Dylan grows up a bit more, has more life experience, and we can see his reaction to different things, we'll better understand what he is definitely capable of handling, and what he definitely isn't. But at this point, I can't imagine figuring out anything that's in the gray area.

I've long said that we will (probably) follow The Lego Rule, but aside from that, I've got nothing. Little help, here?

12 responses to “How do I know what's appropriate?”

  1. Good question, as usual. I thought about different things but decided that the parenting materials you've been reading will probably give you much better advice than I could.

    If I could offer just a bit of advice though, it would be to stay involved with what Dylan is interested in and encourage him in positive ways. You'll see what he likes (Barney?, Sesame Street?, Wuggles?, etc.) . I think the harder part is when he's old enought for Saturday morning cartoons and making his own choices.

    You're both doing that so well now. Not losing that is the best thing you can do for Dylan.

    GranDad

    GranDad ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:14 AM

  2. We did things like - "no guns" (not even toy) until realized that you and your brothers were making legos, tree branches and other things into guns to play with...then it was only "no realistic looking" TOY guns, and absolutely NO projectiles :) The Simpsons was also taboo. A bit on the raunchy side (STILL!), but I think I'm the only one who doesn't watch it now! hehehe

    Nothing can replace personal time with your kids, baseball, playing in/outside, board games, etc. As for the inevitable rest. . . you just have to recognize the limitations of your child and work with him. It will be much clearer as he gets older, even tho its so *unclear* now.

    You'll do just fine!

    p.s. love the new look of the blog!

    <3 Mom

    MomT

    MomT ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:15 AM

  3. My, weren't you up early this morning. Or was that late last night?

    GranDad

    GranDad ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:16 AM

  4. Dad, not sure what you're referring to with the up late/early comment... care to elaborate?

    Adam

    Adam ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:21 AM

  5. My RSS reader says you posted at 3:06am

    GranDad

    GranDad ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:24 AM

  6. Interesting. I'm guessing it's a failing of your RSS reader. (What are you using?) The post was written yesterday afternoon, and published at 7:30 this morning. My server has the correct current (eastern) time, and is in the correct time zone.

    Adam

    Adam ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:27 AM

  7. Using Google Reader:

    How do I know what's appropriate?
    Adam Jun 24, 2009 3:06 AM - Show original item

    GranDad

    GranDad ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:30 AM

  8. I use google reader too, and mine says it was posted at 8:30: http://is.gd/1bUtv

    Adam

    Adam ~ Jun 24, 2009 at 9:34 AM

  9. I think that just the fact that you're asking the question, means that you are on the right track. I think where you can get into big trouble quickly, is simply letting "what everyone else is doing" determine what is ok for your child/your family. What is "ok" for your child will depend on your values, and how strongly you feel about them, and your particular child, and how they react to things. Some children are a lot more sensitive than others. David, for example, seems already like he's much more sensitive to "evil" things - the darker side - (for lack of a better word) than Cora. His Nana brought a puzzle over a few months ago that had a picture of something - a clown, or a pirate, or something with a more "odd" look about it, and David didn't even want to look at the puzzle, and refused to even open the box. I find myself more careful of what I let him see - even sheilding his eyes from the superbowl comercials, b/c once an image is in a child's mind, nothing can errase it, and they just don't have the filters that we adults have.

    In general, you'll find yourself walking this line, doing this balancing act, between exposing your child to how the world works, and helping them to process/cope/deal with real people and real situations (which are not always very pretty), and sheltering them from those realities that are just too much for them at that age/ability to understand. Your question made me think of a passage in a book I just finished that I think speaks directly to the issue. The book is "The Hiding Place". It's the story of Corrie Ten Boom who was part of the anti-Nazi underground in Holland. She and her sister were taken to one of the worst concentration camps in Germany. Her sister died, she survived. Too much to go into in this post - but a riviting read if you're looking for a good book (I own it).

    Anyway - she tells of a time she was on a trip with her father, and asked him the question, "what is sexsin". Rather than brush her off, try to distract her, or give her a partial answer, he asked her to pick up and carry his traveling case off the train. It of course is much too heavy for her bear. The dialogue continues, "Yes," he said. "And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is to heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you." Corrie responds, "And I was satisfied. More than satisfied - wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions - for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping."

    Sometimes I think we can give our children the best gift, by protecting them from things they aren't ready for yet. And when they are ready, or when life doesn't give you the choice, by being there with them and for them to help them process the more ugly parts of life. Oh, and other parents, with similar values/beliefs/parenting styles, can be one of the greatest helps and resources as you navigate these waters. Keep asking those hard questions!! Dylan has a good father. :-)

    Susan

    Susan ~ Jun 26, 2009 at 6:31 AM

  10. I don't remember where I read or heard this recently, but it made me think of this post.

    A man and his daughter are riding a train, and somehow they come to the topic of death. She asks him why people die and what happens to them afterward. After thinking for a moment, he asks her to carry his suitcase off the train. It's way too large and heavy for her to manage, and she soon gives up. When she explains to her father that it's too heavy for her, he uses that to explain to her that some things in life are just too big for young children to deal with, and that she would just have to let him carry the load for her for now. She understood what he meant and was more than pleased with his answer.

    Adam

    Adam ~ Jun 28, 2009 at 8:19 PM

  11. You read that in Susan's comment to this post. (Look directly above your comment :-P)

    Megan

    Megan ~ Jun 30, 2009 at 9:32 AM

  12. Ok, wow. My head hurts trying to think about how I managed to do that. :)

    Adam

    Adam ~ Jun 30, 2009 at 10:11 AM

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