TuttleTree.com

Alternate Title: OMFG!

It's no secret that Bill Bryson is my favorite author. Recently I got the idea that it would be amazing if I could get an autograph from him — ideally on one of my own copies of one of his books. I set about scouring the internet for a P.O. Box or a contact through one of his publishers, and much to my surprise I found his email address listed plain as day on a Bill Bryson forum. I was cautiously optimistic, because it was posted on that forum in mid 2008, and on top of that, it was being posted second- or possibly third-hand by someone who said it was shared with him in December of 2006; and considering the short-lived nature of things on the internet these days, there was a good chance it would be long outdated. But it was worth a shot!

I spent a long hour composing a short message to Bill, proofreading, rewriting, proofreading, and ultimately rewriting again. Eventually this is what I decided to send:

Subject: A humble request

Hello Bill,

I hope this finds you in good spirits, or at least finds you at all. I found this email address posted on the Bill Bryson forum, second- or third-handed by someone who said you had shared it at a talk in Buxton in 2006 and welcomed email from anyone on any matter.

As the subject suggests I do have a very humble request, but first I would like to explain why. You are my favorite author, and in addition to that you cured my complete distaste for reading. I believe it was some time in 2005 that a good friend of mine told me about an amazing book he was reading, and he was compelled to read me a passage he had recently completed — something about bowling balls and the density of the sun, if memory serves. I was excited by his enthusiasm and went out the next day to buy my own copy of A Short History of Nearly Everything, and promptly devoured it, after having done quite literally zero recreational reading since grade school. I loved it so much that I bought a few more of your books and continue to read them and share them with my friends with the same zeal my friend originally shared with me.

I have decided that the sign that you are my favorite author is that if I were sure nobody would ever find out, I would plagiarize your entire catalog of work. In fact, I often find myself channeling your wit and style when writing my own works. I hope that is a good thing.

So with that said, here is my humble request: If I were to mail you my copy of A Short History of Nearly Everything, would you do me the honor of signing it? I understand that you live in England again, and I live outside of Philadelphia, but I would be happy to include return postage.

My warmest regards,
Adam Tuttle

Several days went by with no response, and I started to feel as though the address actually was outdated and that Bill never received my email. Then, this morning, I checked my email and found a wonderful surprise: A response! Again with cautious optimism I opened the message, half expecting to see a form letter from a publishing company intern or an "Inbox full" type of error. As luck would have it, I was wrong. Bill had taken a moment to reply to me, and I hope he won't mind if I share that with you.

Dear Adam,

Many thanks for your letter and kind words. I am delighted you have enjoyed my work. I'm so sorry to tell you that I can't sign and return a book. The number of requests I receive to do various things like sign and mail books or birthday cards, provide advice or endorsements, etc., is way beyond what I can manage. (It was about 3,500 requests last year.) I am truly sorry, but I would spend my life doing little else, so I just can't. But I do wish you a very happy new year and far beyond.

Forgive my haste now, but thanks again and best wishes.

Yours sincerely,
Bill Bryson

So while this was obviously not the response I was hoping for, it has definitely made my day, possibly even my week, just to hear back from him. I can only hope that he will continue to write books and possibly go on a book tour, and do a signing, so I can stand in line like one of those people I've never been able to understand and wait for an hour for the pleasure of a moment of his time and a signature on my tattered copy of one of his books.